Wags School of Driving

I'm back after a lovely Easter weekend and am ashamed of my terribly neglected blog. Got lots of reading, commenting and catching up to do!

Anyways, today I saw something very amusing and thought I would share...
I was at my mum's house watching a re-run of 'The Dog Whisperer' and arguing about which one of us was pack leader, when an illuminous blue car chuggered to a stop outside the living room window.
It was a learner driver. No big deal, they often nought point it around my mum's street because of its lack of actual moving traffic.
On closer inspection, however (yes I'm a curtain twitcher) I saw a mahoosive pink lipstick print sticker emblazoned on the side of the car, and the words 'Wags School of Driving'

Seriously.

This was the name of an actual bonafide driving school. To be fair, in much smaller writing were the words 'Women and Girls School of Driving' but it was clear that the whole premise on which they attracted their customers was an unfounded asscociation with the wives and girlfriends of premiership footballers.

Seriously!

This got me thinking about what kind of stuff you might have to learn if you were a member of the 'Wags School of Driving'. Here are my thoughts...

The Ten Commandments of the Wag School Of Driving

1. Thou shalt understand that a rearview mirror is an appearance checking device, as well as a saftey one.

2. Thou shalt learn 'The Knowledge', only using a map of Cheshire instead of London.

3. Thou shalt only drive a car with a 'swarovski bejewelled' gear stick. No exceptions will be made.

4. Thou shalt master the art of simultaneous lip-gloss application and three point turn.

5. Thou shalt install a saftey car carrier for your itsy bitsy dressed in a costume dog.

6. Thou shalt retain suitably vacant expression during any incidents of road rage.

7 Thou shalt always wear huge sunglasses in your car. Even if it's raining and not sunny at all.

8. Thou shalt keep all driving accesories(gloves, maps, lip-gloss) in a Hermes Birkin bag.

9. Thou shalt drive in a heel no less than 4 inches.

10. Thou shalt ignore all of the above, and just employ a driver to ferry you about while you do bugger all.

Any more suggestions would be welcome!

We Are The Champions My Frie-hends...Dum Dum Dum Dum

The other night I attended the local Pub Quiz. I've only ever been to two before but it's always been the after-thought to an afternoons drinking, resulting in me being unable to decipher my own handwriting, trying to copy the answers of the team sat beside me and generally being a squiffy nuisance.
This time, it was a planned outing and without all the beers, was a new and interesting experience.
My crack team consisted of myself, my boyfriend 'E' and my sister who was down from London on a fleeting visit (we know how to show someone a wacky time round these parts).
We were competing against 8 or 9 teams, one of which was a group of about fifteen students, and one of which were the reigning quiz champions of the past fifteen years (or something equally as impressive).
It was tense.
About ten minutes in to the questions, I realised I had a mad competitive streak I never knew existed. We had to win this quiz. It was no longer just a night in the pub. It was about respect. It was about power. It was about the £20 beer voucher on offer for the victorious.
We became focused, answering questions with logical reasoning, and lightening speed. We glared at anyone who dared to speak over the announcer, we kept in our hearts, the prospect of free beer. We won.
On the announcement of our victory we quietly cheered for ourselves and collected our prize with pride, avoiding the pissed off daggers being thrown by the quiz regulars.
It was great.

Flaky Computer

So my computer adapter flaked out on me the other night and I haven't been able to post or comment for a few days.
I've not been part of the blogosphere for long and don't post as often as I'd like, but seriously, it's surprised me how much I've missed perusing my favourite blogs and generally having the web at my disposal. I fear I may be slightly addicted (just another one to add to the wine, scampi and lemon Nik Naks, and Peep Show).
So I've ordered a new charger by express delivery (which will arrive in the not so express time of two to three days) and have, in the meantime, nicked my mum's charger to keep me going...
It's nice to be back!

The Non-Existent Doctor's Appointment

I've just had a very odd phone conversation...

Doctors Receptionist: Hello Dr Stewarts clinic...

Me: Hello, I recieved a letter yesterday to tell me I've got an appointment for this afternoon at 4:30, I'd like to cancel it please.

Doctor's Receptionist: Why?

Me: Well, it was such short notice and I can't make it.

Doctor's Receptionist: What name is it?

Me: (give my name)

Doctor's Receptionist: Oh yes, it's already been cancelled.

Me: When?!

Doctors Receptionist: This morning.

Me: Well it's a good job I've just phoned isn't it?

Doctors Receptionist: Why?

Me: Well, because I would have turned up to a cancelled appointment.

Doctors Receptionist: We did send you a letter.

Me: When?

Doctors Receptionist: This morning

Me: What, by owl?

Doctors Receptionist: Excuse me?

Me: The appointment was this afternoon and you sent me the cancellation letter this morning. It wasn't ever going to reach me in time, unless you have magic stamps. Do you have magic stamps?

Doctors Receptionist: Doctor only realised his clinic was full this morning, he's tried to get intouch with you.

Me: How, by telepathy?

Doctor's Receptionist: You were ringing to cancel anyway.

Me: Thats not the point!

Doctors Receptionist: It's been changed to Monday now, so we'll see you then. Bye.

Me: Aaaargh...! Bye then.

A real step...

I've just booked myself on a writing course run by Writers Holiday and I'm so excited!

It's six days long, in a lovely setting in Wales and includes lots of seminars and workshops given by some fantastic authors.
I found it because it's the top prize in a writing competition I recently entered, and though I made the long-list, I'm pretty sure I'm not going to win so I thought I'd take it upon myself to get a piece of the writing action!
I've never done anything like this before, the last time I was taught anything about writing was ten years ago at GCSE time, when the height of my literary skills was an essay on what exactly contributed to Macbeth's downfall (his wife, by the way- what a beeyatch)...

I've had some trouble getting to writing recently, piles of Uni work and illness has put me back somewhat, but this has really given me something to aim for- I mean, if I turn up without a substantial amount of decent writing examples I may well be ousted as a fraud and stabbed to death with a selection of high quality fountain pens.

I've also been trying my hand at flash fiction, which I'm finding to be a great deal of fun, so if anyone would like to chuck me a theme and a wordcount- I'd appreciate it!

Tatty-bye for now ... x