Not that it ever was.. well not really.
Hello, anyone who still reads this blog. Just a note to say that I have moved blog platforms and my new address is now http://kirstygreenwood.typepad.com/
This one is named after... me! 'The Waffling Writer' was unsuitable for a blog that focused on lots of stuff besides writing (waffling or not), and actually not very much writing at all.
I've been away so long that I doubt anyone'll see this, but if they do please visit me and say hello, I've missed my bloggy mates!
Oh and the reason I aint left any comments recently, is because I don't want to be one of those bloggers who leaves comments JUST so people will leave them back, or pop by to her new site (even if she is a terrible blogger, and doesn't deserve it!)
Anyways be good and happy 2009!
xxxxxxx
Saturday 17 January 2009
Sunday 27 July 2008
Apologies, Pills and Plans of Escape...
Hullo.
Apologies
I am very rude and selfish. Apologies for my lack of comment replies to the lovely people who even read my blog, and always welcome me back when I go missing.
Things are a lookin' up and I'm feeling much better than I have done over the past few months, therefore I expect normal, polite Kirsty blogging has been resumed.
Again, apologies - am I forgiven?!
Pills
About two weeks ago the doc gave me some pills to eradicate the moodiness within me. I've tried a few before, but they tend to make my brain itch and I never keep them up for long.
Anyways, these pills are known as off-label, which means they're made to treat one condition and by chance are found to help other ones.
I lasted a week.
After taking them for three days I realised I was having trouble thinking clearly - I felt dopey, and slow. On day four I forgot my mums telephone number. On day five I (belatedly) decided to look up the side effects and found that these pills the doctor (who knows I'm a writer) gave me caused significant slowing of cognitive functioning - with the most prevalent manifestation being an inability to 'find the right word'!!
Not so good when you're trying to write a book eh?
So I stopped pronto, and as the fog lifted I realised that I should stop feeling sorry for myself - I have my mind!
Plans of Escape
So I'm going away on Wednesday, (hopefully for about three months) to a little fishing village on a Greek island in the middle of the Aegean Sea!
E's mum has kindly let us stay at her house (which, by the way, is on the beach!) so that I can write and he can paint for the whole summer.
E's already over there and says it's the perfect place to be creative. My aim is to finish the first draft of my novel, clear my head and eat plump, juicy olives to my hearts content. Are you very jealous?
I'll still be blogging over there as Patitiri (the village next to us) has free WiFi and a man has given us a little boat so that we can sail over there in ten minutes.
Yey!
Before I go I want to wish a huge congratulations to the lovely Roland and his Tina on the birth of their adorable little boy Martin.
I'm off now to update my ipod...
Apologies
I am very rude and selfish. Apologies for my lack of comment replies to the lovely people who even read my blog, and always welcome me back when I go missing.
Things are a lookin' up and I'm feeling much better than I have done over the past few months, therefore I expect normal, polite Kirsty blogging has been resumed.
Again, apologies - am I forgiven?!
Pills
About two weeks ago the doc gave me some pills to eradicate the moodiness within me. I've tried a few before, but they tend to make my brain itch and I never keep them up for long.
Anyways, these pills are known as off-label, which means they're made to treat one condition and by chance are found to help other ones.
I lasted a week.
After taking them for three days I realised I was having trouble thinking clearly - I felt dopey, and slow. On day four I forgot my mums telephone number. On day five I (belatedly) decided to look up the side effects and found that these pills the doctor (who knows I'm a writer) gave me caused significant slowing of cognitive functioning - with the most prevalent manifestation being an inability to 'find the right word'!!
Not so good when you're trying to write a book eh?
So I stopped pronto, and as the fog lifted I realised that I should stop feeling sorry for myself - I have my mind!
Plans of Escape
So I'm going away on Wednesday, (hopefully for about three months) to a little fishing village on a Greek island in the middle of the Aegean Sea!
E's mum has kindly let us stay at her house (which, by the way, is on the beach!) so that I can write and he can paint for the whole summer.
E's already over there and says it's the perfect place to be creative. My aim is to finish the first draft of my novel, clear my head and eat plump, juicy olives to my hearts content. Are you very jealous?
I'll still be blogging over there as Patitiri (the village next to us) has free WiFi and a man has given us a little boat so that we can sail over there in ten minutes.
Yey!
Before I go I want to wish a huge congratulations to the lovely Roland and his Tina on the birth of their adorable little boy Martin.
I'm off now to update my ipod...
Wednesday 18 June 2008
Stuff...
In the midst of all the blah, me and my mum decided to go to London for a bit to see my sister and get away from it all. My mum last went to London about 15 years ago, so it was cool to see her excitement at the buzz of it all.
People say when you get to London, you're either a lover or a hater. I'm a definite lover. Just being there gives me butterflys, I feel like a character in a chick lit novel!
Part of the itinerary was to go to a Mike Gayle book reading at Bromley Library, I love Mike Gayle, and filled half of my suitcase with the books I wanted him to sign. It wasn't until we were due to set off for the library that we noticed that we'd gotten the wrong Bromley (not Bromley by Bow), and that it would take us at least 2 hours to get there - by the time we arrived it would be half way through - gutted!
So instead, we went to the pub ;)
I had a lovely time in London - it was just what I needed.
Other stuff worth mentioning is...I got my degree result - a 2:1 Bsc Honours, which I'm happy about, although I was expecting a first!
I also had a guest blog published on bridalwave, which cheered me up no end, and you can read here.
Oh yes, I saw this brill trailer on youtube - it's Mary Poppins, recut as a horror!! I thought it was ace!
They also have one of The Shining recut as a romcom!
People say when you get to London, you're either a lover or a hater. I'm a definite lover. Just being there gives me butterflys, I feel like a character in a chick lit novel!
Part of the itinerary was to go to a Mike Gayle book reading at Bromley Library, I love Mike Gayle, and filled half of my suitcase with the books I wanted him to sign. It wasn't until we were due to set off for the library that we noticed that we'd gotten the wrong Bromley (not Bromley by Bow), and that it would take us at least 2 hours to get there - by the time we arrived it would be half way through - gutted!
So instead, we went to the pub ;)
I had a lovely time in London - it was just what I needed.
Other stuff worth mentioning is...I got my degree result - a 2:1 Bsc Honours, which I'm happy about, although I was expecting a first!
I also had a guest blog published on bridalwave, which cheered me up no end, and you can read here.
Oh yes, I saw this brill trailer on youtube - it's Mary Poppins, recut as a horror!! I thought it was ace!
They also have one of The Shining recut as a romcom!
Blah...
I'm back.
I've been busy having a quarter life crisis, and rather than post about it (which in retrospect would probably have been quite cathartic), I've hidden away eating hula hoops and watching crap telly.
It might be something to do with the fact I've just finished my degree and have got post student blues, it could be that I've hit the 7 year itch with E, it could be that I've put weight on and am not doing anything about it, or it could be that for the past 10 years I've been taking medication for Bipolar, which I recently stopped.
Having bipolar is something I haven't wanted to post about. It doesn't define me as a person, and I don't want to be one of those bloggers who thinks anyone would be interested in my strange ups and downs. It is worth mentioning, however as a way of explaining my sporadic absences from society.
Coming off medication was a big deal for me, and for a while I've coped brilliantly, but I think now's the time to acknowledge that my bipolar is something which can't be cured, and if I want to have any semblance of a normal life - I have to medicate.
I'll be doing another post after this one, so hopefully it'll get lost - it's just something I wanted to say!
I've been busy having a quarter life crisis, and rather than post about it (which in retrospect would probably have been quite cathartic), I've hidden away eating hula hoops and watching crap telly.
It might be something to do with the fact I've just finished my degree and have got post student blues, it could be that I've hit the 7 year itch with E, it could be that I've put weight on and am not doing anything about it, or it could be that for the past 10 years I've been taking medication for Bipolar, which I recently stopped.
Having bipolar is something I haven't wanted to post about. It doesn't define me as a person, and I don't want to be one of those bloggers who thinks anyone would be interested in my strange ups and downs. It is worth mentioning, however as a way of explaining my sporadic absences from society.
Coming off medication was a big deal for me, and for a while I've coped brilliantly, but I think now's the time to acknowledge that my bipolar is something which can't be cured, and if I want to have any semblance of a normal life - I have to medicate.
I'll be doing another post after this one, so hopefully it'll get lost - it's just something I wanted to say!
Wednesday 23 April 2008
Nooooooo!!!
I read this and it made me sad.
Does this mean he is finally getting some? That he might have a new girlfriend? That it won't be me?
A dark day my friends. A dark day indeed.
Wednesday 16 April 2008
The World's Most Crappiest Blogger!
Hellooo,
I am appalled to say that I haven't blogged for almost a month (Eek!) - but I have an excuse! I've had a ton of Uni deadlines to meet, and as it's my final year I've had to wean myself away from the web so I could actually get something done!
So today I've decided to take a break and have a quick catch up good stuff that's happened...
- I've been setting up a charity music gig and heard it advertised on the radio today - the radio!! Which means I'm a little bit famous by proxy.
- Had my first book review published on Trashionista, which you can read here.
- Won my first ever blog award given to me by the lovely Elle - Cheers!!
- Have managed to write 10,000 + words of Uni work.
- Won £160, but can't physically write how as it's tres embarrasing.
- Wrote a 'Bucket List - without the whole dying bit' and am slowly putting it into practice.
- It's me birthday tommorow so I'm prematurley putting it in the good section and hoping that it will be!
Will be back soon! x
Tuesday 25 March 2008
Wags School of Driving
I'm back after a lovely Easter weekend and am ashamed of my terribly neglected blog. Got lots of reading, commenting and catching up to do!
Anyways, today I saw something very amusing and thought I would share...
I was at my mum's house watching a re-run of 'The Dog Whisperer' and arguing about which one of us was pack leader, when an illuminous blue car chuggered to a stop outside the living room window.
It was a learner driver. No big deal, they often nought point it around my mum's street because of its lack of actual moving traffic.
On closer inspection, however (yes I'm a curtain twitcher) I saw a mahoosive pink lipstick print sticker emblazoned on the side of the car, and the words 'Wags School of Driving'
Seriously.
This was the name of an actual bonafide driving school. To be fair, in much smaller writing were the words 'Women and Girls School of Driving' but it was clear that the whole premise on which they attracted their customers was an unfounded asscociation with the wives and girlfriends of premiership footballers.
Seriously!
This got me thinking about what kind of stuff you might have to learn if you were a member of the 'Wags School of Driving'. Here are my thoughts...
The Ten Commandments of the Wag School Of Driving
1. Thou shalt understand that a rearview mirror is an appearance checking device, as well as a saftey one.
2. Thou shalt learn 'The Knowledge', only using a map of Cheshire instead of London.
3. Thou shalt only drive a car with a 'swarovski bejewelled' gear stick. No exceptions will be made.
4. Thou shalt master the art of simultaneous lip-gloss application and three point turn.
5. Thou shalt install a saftey car carrier for your itsy bitsy dressed in a costume dog.
6. Thou shalt retain suitably vacant expression during any incidents of road rage.
7 Thou shalt always wear huge sunglasses in your car. Even if it's raining and not sunny at all.
8. Thou shalt keep all driving accesories(gloves, maps, lip-gloss) in a Hermes Birkin bag.
9. Thou shalt drive in a heel no less than 4 inches.
10. Thou shalt ignore all of the above, and just employ a driver to ferry you about while you do bugger all.
Any more suggestions would be welcome!
Wednesday 12 March 2008
We Are The Champions My Frie-hends...Dum Dum Dum Dum
The other night I attended the local Pub Quiz. I've only ever been to two before but it's always been the after-thought to an afternoons drinking, resulting in me being unable to decipher my own handwriting, trying to copy the answers of the team sat beside me and generally being a squiffy nuisance.
This time, it was a planned outing and without all the beers, was a new and interesting experience.
My crack team consisted of myself, my boyfriend 'E' and my sister who was down from London on a fleeting visit (we know how to show someone a wacky time round these parts).
We were competing against 8 or 9 teams, one of which was a group of about fifteen students, and one of which were the reigning quiz champions of the past fifteen years (or something equally as impressive).
It was tense.
About ten minutes in to the questions, I realised I had a mad competitive streak I never knew existed. We had to win this quiz. It was no longer just a night in the pub. It was about respect. It was about power. It was about the £20 beer voucher on offer for the victorious.
We became focused, answering questions with logical reasoning, and lightening speed. We glared at anyone who dared to speak over the announcer, we kept in our hearts, the prospect of free beer. We won.
On the announcement of our victory we quietly cheered for ourselves and collected our prize with pride, avoiding the pissed off daggers being thrown by the quiz regulars.
It was great.
This time, it was a planned outing and without all the beers, was a new and interesting experience.
My crack team consisted of myself, my boyfriend 'E' and my sister who was down from London on a fleeting visit (we know how to show someone a wacky time round these parts).
We were competing against 8 or 9 teams, one of which was a group of about fifteen students, and one of which were the reigning quiz champions of the past fifteen years (or something equally as impressive).
It was tense.
About ten minutes in to the questions, I realised I had a mad competitive streak I never knew existed. We had to win this quiz. It was no longer just a night in the pub. It was about respect. It was about power. It was about the £20 beer voucher on offer for the victorious.
We became focused, answering questions with logical reasoning, and lightening speed. We glared at anyone who dared to speak over the announcer, we kept in our hearts, the prospect of free beer. We won.
On the announcement of our victory we quietly cheered for ourselves and collected our prize with pride, avoiding the pissed off daggers being thrown by the quiz regulars.
It was great.
Flaky Computer
So my computer adapter flaked out on me the other night and I haven't been able to post or comment for a few days.
I've not been part of the blogosphere for long and don't post as often as I'd like, but seriously, it's surprised me how much I've missed perusing my favourite blogs and generally having the web at my disposal. I fear I may be slightly addicted (just another one to add to the wine, scampi and lemon Nik Naks, and Peep Show).
So I've ordered a new charger by express delivery (which will arrive in the not so express time of two to three days) and have, in the meantime, nicked my mum's charger to keep me going...
It's nice to be back!
I've not been part of the blogosphere for long and don't post as often as I'd like, but seriously, it's surprised me how much I've missed perusing my favourite blogs and generally having the web at my disposal. I fear I may be slightly addicted (just another one to add to the wine, scampi and lemon Nik Naks, and Peep Show).
So I've ordered a new charger by express delivery (which will arrive in the not so express time of two to three days) and have, in the meantime, nicked my mum's charger to keep me going...
It's nice to be back!
Thursday 6 March 2008
The Non-Existent Doctor's Appointment
I've just had a very odd phone conversation...
Doctors Receptionist: Hello Dr Stewarts clinic...
Me: Hello, I recieved a letter yesterday to tell me I've got an appointment for this afternoon at 4:30, I'd like to cancel it please.
Doctor's Receptionist: Why?
Me: Well, it was such short notice and I can't make it.
Doctor's Receptionist: What name is it?
Me: (give my name)
Doctor's Receptionist: Oh yes, it's already been cancelled.
Me: When?!
Doctors Receptionist: This morning.
Me: Well it's a good job I've just phoned isn't it?
Doctors Receptionist: Why?
Me: Well, because I would have turned up to a cancelled appointment.
Doctors Receptionist: We did send you a letter.
Me: When?
Doctors Receptionist: This morning
Me: What, by owl?
Doctors Receptionist: Excuse me?
Me: The appointment was this afternoon and you sent me the cancellation letter this morning. It wasn't ever going to reach me in time, unless you have magic stamps. Do you have magic stamps?
Doctors Receptionist: Doctor only realised his clinic was full this morning, he's tried to get intouch with you.
Me: How, by telepathy?
Doctor's Receptionist: You were ringing to cancel anyway.
Me: Thats not the point!
Doctors Receptionist: It's been changed to Monday now, so we'll see you then. Bye.
Me: Aaaargh...! Bye then.
Doctors Receptionist: Hello Dr Stewarts clinic...
Me: Hello, I recieved a letter yesterday to tell me I've got an appointment for this afternoon at 4:30, I'd like to cancel it please.
Doctor's Receptionist: Why?
Me: Well, it was such short notice and I can't make it.
Doctor's Receptionist: What name is it?
Me: (give my name)
Doctor's Receptionist: Oh yes, it's already been cancelled.
Me: When?!
Doctors Receptionist: This morning.
Me: Well it's a good job I've just phoned isn't it?
Doctors Receptionist: Why?
Me: Well, because I would have turned up to a cancelled appointment.
Doctors Receptionist: We did send you a letter.
Me: When?
Doctors Receptionist: This morning
Me: What, by owl?
Doctors Receptionist: Excuse me?
Me: The appointment was this afternoon and you sent me the cancellation letter this morning. It wasn't ever going to reach me in time, unless you have magic stamps. Do you have magic stamps?
Doctors Receptionist: Doctor only realised his clinic was full this morning, he's tried to get intouch with you.
Me: How, by telepathy?
Doctor's Receptionist: You were ringing to cancel anyway.
Me: Thats not the point!
Doctors Receptionist: It's been changed to Monday now, so we'll see you then. Bye.
Me: Aaaargh...! Bye then.
Saturday 1 March 2008
A real step...
I've just booked myself on a writing course run by Writers Holiday and I'm so excited!
It's six days long, in a lovely setting in Wales and includes lots of seminars and workshops given by some fantastic authors.
I found it because it's the top prize in a writing competition I recently entered, and though I made the long-list, I'm pretty sure I'm not going to win so I thought I'd take it upon myself to get a piece of the writing action!
I've never done anything like this before, the last time I was taught anything about writing was ten years ago at GCSE time, when the height of my literary skills was an essay on what exactly contributed to Macbeth's downfall (his wife, by the way- what a beeyatch)...
I've had some trouble getting to writing recently, piles of Uni work and illness has put me back somewhat, but this has really given me something to aim for- I mean, if I turn up without a substantial amount of decent writing examples I may well be ousted as a fraud and stabbed to death with a selection of high quality fountain pens.
I've also been trying my hand at flash fiction, which I'm finding to be a great deal of fun, so if anyone would like to chuck me a theme and a wordcount- I'd appreciate it!
Tatty-bye for now ... x
It's six days long, in a lovely setting in Wales and includes lots of seminars and workshops given by some fantastic authors.
I found it because it's the top prize in a writing competition I recently entered, and though I made the long-list, I'm pretty sure I'm not going to win so I thought I'd take it upon myself to get a piece of the writing action!
I've never done anything like this before, the last time I was taught anything about writing was ten years ago at GCSE time, when the height of my literary skills was an essay on what exactly contributed to Macbeth's downfall (his wife, by the way- what a beeyatch)...
I've had some trouble getting to writing recently, piles of Uni work and illness has put me back somewhat, but this has really given me something to aim for- I mean, if I turn up without a substantial amount of decent writing examples I may well be ousted as a fraud and stabbed to death with a selection of high quality fountain pens.
I've also been trying my hand at flash fiction, which I'm finding to be a great deal of fun, so if anyone would like to chuck me a theme and a wordcount- I'd appreciate it!
Tatty-bye for now ... x
Wednesday 27 February 2008
You're Not The Only One
Hallo,Peach at peach arse is, along with a small team of ace bloggers, putting together a book for the Warchild children's charity.
The book will be made up completely of tales from active bloggers and is called 'You're Not the Only One' to reflect the camaraderie of blogging!
Make sure you buy the book, which will be published by lulu.com and if you would like to submit a piece (no more than 1500 words about something you've been through) the deadline is 29th of Feb, so hop over to Peach's site and have a good ol gander!
Sunday 24 February 2008
The Bestest Shop Assistant
In the midst of a depressing weekend filled with tedious Uni work, I was waiting for something to cheer me up (never been the pro-active type).
It came this morning in the guise of...
An actual helpful shop assistant.
Thats it. An assistant at the local printing company, made my frickin day.
My surprise and pleasure at her unusual dedication to fulfilling my printing request, has turned me into a simpering, gushing, grateful person. I've spent the last half hour thinking of what else I can get printed...
It came this morning in the guise of...
An actual helpful shop assistant.
Thats it. An assistant at the local printing company, made my frickin day.
My surprise and pleasure at her unusual dedication to fulfilling my printing request, has turned me into a simpering, gushing, grateful person. I've spent the last half hour thinking of what else I can get printed...
Sunday 17 February 2008
The Action Plan
This is a Meme, I was given by the fabulous Militant Ginger, it's a scary endevour, thinking so far into the future!
The Action Plan:
1. Name three things about yourself you would like to improve:
1. Attitude: I’ve had a string of upsets over the past few years and am ashamed to say it’s dampened my spirit, somewhat. My attitude has become more downbeat than I’d like it to be, and instead of embarking on life with the view that great things will happen, I’ve found myself expecting something bad around the corner. It’s horrible!
2. Health: I’ve been poorly more often than usual, and can attribute a lot of it to the lifestyle I lead. Drinking too much wine (don’t know if I can stop that), smoking too many cigarettes, and not enough fruit and vegetables! I need to get fitter (does sex count as exercise?), and cut down on the ol’ stress levels.
3. Mind: This is the one thing I’m completely confident in. But there are so many things in the big wide world that I know bugger all about and it bugs me. Whether it be amazing life changing books (recommendations welcome!) I haven’t read, people I haven’t met, places I’ve never seen. I would like to broaden my intellectual horizons - any help would be appreciated!
2: Name something you would like to achieve:
a) Within 1 year: A completely fantastic, complete novel. And possibly a mega bucks publishing deal to go with it (I’m allowed one fantasy hey?)
b) Within 5 years: Own house. Complete with mahoosive kitchen, glass ceiling bathroom and freestanding bath, and a cosy library room, with open fire. Mmmm!
c) Within 10 years: A secure, and happy lifestyle. Well-adjusted children. Peace of mind
3: Name something you would like to help achieve for somebody else:
I’d like to be successful for my family. Mum, Dad, Two sisters and brother. They’ve helped me, relentlessly through some shitty times, I was a pain in the arse and they never left. I would like to show them that their blood, sweat and tears were really worth something.
4: Name one place you haven’t been, but you’d like to go:
Easy - New York. It’s the one place I’ve always dreamed of visiting, The thought of little ol’ me being in that city gives me butterflies in me belly.
5: Name one person you haven’t met, but would like to:
My literary agent. Just have to find them first!
6: Name three material things you would like:
a)... A bass guitar
b)... A pair of silver Jimmy Choos
c)... A writing room
The Action Plan:
1. Name three things about yourself you would like to improve:
1. Attitude: I’ve had a string of upsets over the past few years and am ashamed to say it’s dampened my spirit, somewhat. My attitude has become more downbeat than I’d like it to be, and instead of embarking on life with the view that great things will happen, I’ve found myself expecting something bad around the corner. It’s horrible!
2. Health: I’ve been poorly more often than usual, and can attribute a lot of it to the lifestyle I lead. Drinking too much wine (don’t know if I can stop that), smoking too many cigarettes, and not enough fruit and vegetables! I need to get fitter (does sex count as exercise?), and cut down on the ol’ stress levels.
3. Mind: This is the one thing I’m completely confident in. But there are so many things in the big wide world that I know bugger all about and it bugs me. Whether it be amazing life changing books (recommendations welcome!) I haven’t read, people I haven’t met, places I’ve never seen. I would like to broaden my intellectual horizons - any help would be appreciated!
2: Name something you would like to achieve:
a) Within 1 year: A completely fantastic, complete novel. And possibly a mega bucks publishing deal to go with it (I’m allowed one fantasy hey?)
b) Within 5 years: Own house. Complete with mahoosive kitchen, glass ceiling bathroom and freestanding bath, and a cosy library room, with open fire. Mmmm!
c) Within 10 years: A secure, and happy lifestyle. Well-adjusted children. Peace of mind
3: Name something you would like to help achieve for somebody else:
I’d like to be successful for my family. Mum, Dad, Two sisters and brother. They’ve helped me, relentlessly through some shitty times, I was a pain in the arse and they never left. I would like to show them that their blood, sweat and tears were really worth something.
4: Name one place you haven’t been, but you’d like to go:
Easy - New York. It’s the one place I’ve always dreamed of visiting, The thought of little ol’ me being in that city gives me butterflies in me belly.
5: Name one person you haven’t met, but would like to:
My literary agent. Just have to find them first!
6: Name three material things you would like:
a)... A bass guitar
b)... A pair of silver Jimmy Choos
c)... A writing room
Friday 15 February 2008
Roots
I badly need to get my hair done. It's gotten to the state where my hair is now three tone, black/grey (roots) and blonde (split ends).
I look like an aging 1980s rap star.
Only one problem. I'm scared of the hairdressers.
Not the hairdressers themselves, but the actual experience of going. It always goes the same disastrous way-
In Twenty Steps...
1. I turn up with a bunch of celebrity hair pics in hand and the dream of a barnet that will make me the sheeny groomed woman I long to be.
2. Am then sat down by scary alpha stylist, dressed in plasticy coat and subjected to indepth follicle analysic ie " it has a distinct straw like quality", " isn't it strange how its fine, yet frizzy all at the same time" and "your hair is shit".
3. In my vulnerable state I agree to go for an expensive full head of highlight in sumptuous gold and luxurious caramel, and delicate honey.
4. I am offered a glass of cheap white wine (it aint all bad).
5. I neck the cheap white wine and ask for another. Please.
6. The dye is slapped on, I 'read' a myriad of hair magazines and desperately try to avoid thru-mirror eye contact with scary alpha stylist.
7. Masterplan doesnt work and scary alpha stylist asks me if I'm going on holiday.
8. I answer "No" forlornly and hate scary alpha stylist for reminding me that I can't afford a holiday because I'm skint and (by train of thought) that my bikini no longer fits.
9. Am then shoved under space age hairdryer and chargrilled.
10. Junior stylist invites me to the sinks and washes out the dye. I think about statistics on the amount of strokes caused by neck over sink injuries.
11. I take the stylist chair again, and realise that sumptous gold, luxurious caramel and and delicate honey, are infact, straw yellow, bright orange and poo brown.
12. Console myself with the fact that my hair is wet and the colours will be better once it is dry.
13. Number 12 turns out not to be the case. Not at all.
14. SAS and myself decide on a trim, with a feathered diagonal fringe to flatter my round face.
15. SAS ignores number 14 and gives me a bob with a blunt fringe.
16. My head resembles a bowling ball wearing an orange 'Friar Tuck' style wig.
17. I try not to cry.
18. Scary alpha stylist shows me the back. I feel gutless as I mew "oooh, the cut is soo nice!" At this point I hate everyone, including myself.
19. I pay the extortionate fee, go into a tipping frenzy and run out of the salon doors, sobbing.
20. I arrive home in tears, put on a hat and vow that from now on, I will just do it myself
I look like an aging 1980s rap star.
Only one problem. I'm scared of the hairdressers.
Not the hairdressers themselves, but the actual experience of going. It always goes the same disastrous way-
In Twenty Steps...
1. I turn up with a bunch of celebrity hair pics in hand and the dream of a barnet that will make me the sheeny groomed woman I long to be.
2. Am then sat down by scary alpha stylist, dressed in plasticy coat and subjected to indepth follicle analysic ie " it has a distinct straw like quality", " isn't it strange how its fine, yet frizzy all at the same time" and "your hair is shit".
3. In my vulnerable state I agree to go for an expensive full head of highlight in sumptuous gold and luxurious caramel, and delicate honey.
4. I am offered a glass of cheap white wine (it aint all bad).
5. I neck the cheap white wine and ask for another. Please.
6. The dye is slapped on, I 'read' a myriad of hair magazines and desperately try to avoid thru-mirror eye contact with scary alpha stylist.
7. Masterplan doesnt work and scary alpha stylist asks me if I'm going on holiday.
8. I answer "No" forlornly and hate scary alpha stylist for reminding me that I can't afford a holiday because I'm skint and (by train of thought) that my bikini no longer fits.
9. Am then shoved under space age hairdryer and chargrilled.
10. Junior stylist invites me to the sinks and washes out the dye. I think about statistics on the amount of strokes caused by neck over sink injuries.
11. I take the stylist chair again, and realise that sumptous gold, luxurious caramel and and delicate honey, are infact, straw yellow, bright orange and poo brown.
12. Console myself with the fact that my hair is wet and the colours will be better once it is dry.
13. Number 12 turns out not to be the case. Not at all.
14. SAS and myself decide on a trim, with a feathered diagonal fringe to flatter my round face.
15. SAS ignores number 14 and gives me a bob with a blunt fringe.
16. My head resembles a bowling ball wearing an orange 'Friar Tuck' style wig.
17. I try not to cry.
18. Scary alpha stylist shows me the back. I feel gutless as I mew "oooh, the cut is soo nice!" At this point I hate everyone, including myself.
19. I pay the extortionate fee, go into a tipping frenzy and run out of the salon doors, sobbing.
20. I arrive home in tears, put on a hat and vow that from now on, I will just do it myself
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